207. The Real Reason You Keep Fighting About Money

Your money story isn’t just about your past; it is shaping how you spend, save, communicate, parent, and handle conflict today.

In this episode of Money & Legacy, Laura Sexton explains how to share your money story in a way that creates greater understanding, connection, and lasting change. You’ll learn how childhood experiences, family beliefs, financial fear, scarcity, hidden purchases, money avoidance, and controlling behaviors can quietly influence your relationships.

Laura walks you through the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your money story and gives you a simple framework for talking about them.

You’ll also learn how to talk about money with your spouse without blaming or shaming, how to share age-appropriate financial lessons with your children, and how your experiences may help someone else feel less alone.

If you haven’t completed your money story discovery yet, listen to Episode 205 first.

Interested in exploring your own money story with Laura—or potentially sharing what you’ve learned on the podcast? Email Laura@AccelerateYourLegacy.com 

Keywords: money story, money mindset, financial habits, marriage and money, financial communication, childhood money beliefs, scarcity mindset, money anxiety, financial avoidance, hidden spending, couples and money, teaching kids about money, generational wealth, financial coaching, building a financial legacy

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Transcript

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Laura 0:05

Your money story can't change your relationships if it stays private. You are listening to the Money and Legacy Podcast with Laura Sexton. I'm helping families pay off debt, grow wealth, and build a legacy without sacrificing what matters most. This is where money feels easy. Hey, legacy builders. Today we're gonna talk about that money story we were talking about just two episodes ago. Now, if you don't remember or you haven't gone through it, please pause this episode, go back to episode 205, and go through your money story discovery. I promise you, you don't wanna miss it. And this episode today is gonna talk about what we are going to do with what we discovered in episode 205. Your money story is unique and specific to you, and it will either enhance or deter the way that you handle money. Your money story, it is the catalyst for how you behave with your money. It is the reason behind everything, even if you don't know it consciously. It's in the back of your subconscious. And the goal of learning about your money story in general and sharing your money story, is not to confess every financial s- mistake that you've ever made. Nobody needs that. And the only person around here that should be doing that, well, hmm, that's me. And that's only after I reflect on it so that I have learned from it and you can learn from it as well. The goal here is to understand what has shaped you, to take responsibility for how it affects you, and then to share the parts that can create greater understanding, connection, and wisdom So in episode 205, we went spelunking. We looked at our childhood heroes, our favorite shows, our early memories, and other clues that reveal why we respond to money the way that we do. And now that you've uncovered some of your money story, what are we gonna do with it? Well, you do what you do with any great story. You share it. There are only so many stories in existence, and I really think that that is interesting. I think it's seven. I think there's seven different types of stories. The Odyssey has come out recently, and people are talking about this. It's the oldest story that there ever was. The Odyssey is actually one of my favorite stories. The actual book, not necessarily the movie, where I get really confused with, you know, Cedric Diggory and, Spider-Man talking to the Princess of Genovia. But The Odyssey itself is one of my favorite stories, and that's because you have this hero on a journey Like all good stories, we meet a hero. He has a problem. He's going on a journey. He meets a guide that walks along the journey with him. He gets to an all is lost moment, and then there's a resolution at the end of the story. Now, sometimes you're watching a comedy, which is something that ends in a positive ending, or sometimes you're watching a tragedy, which is something that ends in a dramatic or negative ending. Comedy, drama, whatever it is that you're watching, they're all going on the same journey. In any movie that you've ever seen where you're like, "Wow, that was a terrible movie," it's because one of these story plots wasn't there. The problem wasn't set up right. There was no true hero. There was no guide. There was no journey. There was no pinnacle point. There was no resolution. One of these seven basic parts of the story was missing. You, friend, have gone on a fact-finding mission, a spelunking mission, if you will, to find out who you are and what your money story is. So now I want you to talk about it. I want you to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Now, maybe not all at once, and maybe not all to the same person. Let's start by sharing the good parts, though If we're gonna have multiple conversations with people around us about our money story or with ourselves about our money story, let's go about it this way. We'll start with the good. What is a healthy habit that we have in our money, and where did it come from? Maybe you learned about generosity from a grandparent. I know my grandparents, I thought they were so much more wealthy than they were. When they passed away, I was like, "Where did all the money go?" Because they shared their money. The kids got their inheritance early, multiple different stages of inheritance, actually. The grandkids never wanted for anything. There were always snacks and drinks and movies. They were handing out cash like it was fun. There were games where you could win cash. My grandparents were super generous, and so I looked at them as, "Oh my goodness, you guys are so incredibly wealthy." Maybe you learned contentment from a parent, or you learned perseverance from watching someone rebuild after a difficult season. There are good, healthy money habits that you have in your life, and they came from somewhere. So where is that? It's possible that you saw someone do the wrong thing, and you chose to go in the opposite direction, and that's where your healthy money habit came from. I don't want you to shy away from that. Where are you doing well, my friend? Let's start there. So I said the good, the bad, and the ugly. So the next thing, well, that's the bad. What belief is no longer helping you? Maybe you learned money is always scarce. "Well, I'm never gonna have enough." Where'd you learn that from? Maybe you learned that rich people can't be trusted. Where did you learn that from? Maybe spending creates a sense of safety. I need to spend this money now so that I'll definitely have that thing when I need it. Well, that's not true. And where did you learn that from? Maybe you learned that asking for help is shameful. I'm sorry you learned that, and I look forward to helping you change that Now let's talk about the ugly Where has a bad money belief caused real damage in your life? This could come in multiple different ways. Maybe you've made a purchase and you've hidden them. I've seen couples do this where the wife will come home with their Target bags and hides them under the bed, puts them in the closet, and acts as if she's had them all along. Like, "What, what do you mean? This? You bought this for me a couple months ago." And husband's like, "Really? I did? I don't remember that, but okay." 'Cause nobody expects you to lie, right? And that is what it is. When you're hiding purchases, you are lying to your spouse. Just in case anybody hasn't said that to you plainly, hiding purchases is lying And the same is true for your spouse. If your spouse is making investments without telling you, they're buying properties and not telling you, maybe they think they're doing it because they're doing it for your good, it's still lying. It's still going behind your back and making large purchases without your knowledge. Don't do hidden purchases of any kind. Don't do the lying. Don't do the hiding. That's not what we want in our relationships. Maybe one of these bad financial beliefs has caused you to be in the place of financial avoidance. I'm never gonna have enough, so why do I even pay attention? Well, let me tell you that I was the person that would hide my head in the sand and hope that if I didn't pay attention, maybe it would all just fix itself and go away. The world doesn't work like that. The more you avoid it, the worse it becomes, and the more you want to avoid it, and then the harder and harder and harder this path becomes. That's when you have to bring somebody in to hold your hand. I got an email recently from a former client. She said, "I have no idea why I'm so scared to talk to you about this. I know there's nothing scary about you, and there's nothing scary about these meetings, but I'm so scared to look at the money. What do you think is wrong with me?" And I responded back, "When we look at our money, we have to examine ourselves, our habits, and what we do and do not like about ourselves, and that's hard, and that's scary, but I promise I will hold your hand and walk alongside you." It's scary to examine our lives and to decide, I want this to be a certain way. I want to change that about me. Change is hard. I'm not coming to you and saying that it's not hard. It is. But I love you enough to tell you that we have got to do it Maybe one of these damages from these ugly beliefs is a controlling behavior. I have to control the money. I have to make these decisions. I have to... And you hold on to your money with a closed fist. That's no way to do life. That's gonna add stress and tension to your body, and it's going to keep blessings from being able to fall into your hand. Maybe one of the ugly damages that it's coming from these beliefs that no longer serve you, is a chronic state of fear or repeated debt cycle. Or maybe, and I see this all too often, conflict in your marriage Maybe you're not having the hard conversation you know you need to have. You're avoiding it because we're chronically, chronically afraid That's making the situation worse Do you see how this all kind of goes together? It's not just money. It's your whole relationship. It's your whole self. And that's what I wanna help you change. Understanding where a behavior comes from is good. It does not excuse the behavior, but it can help you finally change it I like to say it this way. Your circumstance, something that has happened to you, is a circumstance, not an excuse. The circumstance we have feelings about, and those feelings create our thoughts, and our thoughts create our actions So if there was a circumstance that you need to deal with, you need to reach out to me so that we can figure out what your thoughts and your feelings are causing negative actions in your life So I want you to talk to me, but I also want you to talk to other people in your life who need to hear your money story, starting with your spouse. Your spouse may see your behavior without understanding your fear or knowing the memories or the belief underneath it. Instead of something like, "You always spend way too much money," you're gonna begin to hear, "When money gets tight, you become really controlling because financial uncertainty scared you as a child. I understand that, but we need to do something different." We're allowing for some openness, and we're allowing for understanding. And the purpose is not to win an argument, okay? I need to say that very plainly here. This is not about let's have an argument and I'm gonna win because now I know your trauma. That's not how we do things. The purpose of this is to get you and your spouse context so that you can have productive financial conversations, and you can ultimately get to where you want to go in life. You also need to be talking to your children. We need to be talking about money with our children often and early. But children don't need all of the trauma and the backstory. They just need to know that, hey, Mom handles money this way because of something that happened to her as a child, so I wanna make sure that you handle money well starting from a young age. That's why we talk about it all the time. The children don't need rules about your money. They need your stories. They need to understand the why behind it. Have you ever wondered why a toddler asks you why over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? It's because they're trying to figure out life. So if you tell them a rule about money, let them ask you why, and then explain it. And if you can't explain it, well, then we need to have a conversation so that I can teach you how to explain it to them. Tell your children where you've made mistakes and what you've learned, what your family did well, and what you hope you will do differently The story should always be age appropriate and should not make your child feel stressed. It should also not make them feel responsible, and it shouldn't make them feel like they have sway whatsoever over your personal finances. They can't hold that kind of responsibility, and they're not meant to. We wanna be open with them, we wanna be honest, but we wanna do it in a safe, age appropriate way. You can also have these conversation with trusted friends, mentors, coaches like myself, or the community at large. Some parts of a money story need to be shared with someone who can provide wisdom and accountability, and other parts need to be shared with people who need your wisdom and your accountability. There may also be stories of debt payoff, generosity, business failures, job loss, some sort of rebuilding that can encourage another person who feels completely alone. That is why I do this podcast. Not everyone needs every detail, but someone may need the lessons that you have earned. Yes, earned. You earned every lesson that you've been through. So here's a simple framework on how to share this. You start by saying, "Here's what happened." You describe the experience without exaggerating. Don't rewrite it. Don't try to make yourself sound better. Just say exactly what happened. And then, what did I learn from it? Guess what? You learned something, whether you realized it or not. So take a second, Realize what it is that you have learned. It's some belief, some habit that formed. What did I learn from it, and how does that affect me today? Be honest about the current impact. If you're not honest, you can't have the change you're looking for. And then go ahead and say what you want to be different. Move the conversation towards growth. An example from a client of mine, they have written this and given me permission to share. They said, "Growing up, I frequently heard that we could not afford anything. I learned to believe that money could disappear at any moment, and now I am anxious when I spend money, even when the purchase is planned. I want to learn how to enjoy money responsibly without feeling afraid." Do you see the different pieces in there? What happened? What happened was that they heard that they couldn't afford anything. Okay. Okay. So what did you learn from it? Well, I learned to believe that money could disappear at any moment. Wow. Okay, how does that affect you right now? Well, I'm anxious when I spend money, even when I plan to spend the money. That is so stressful. That means everything about money is stressful to you. What do you want to be different? Well, she said, "I want to learn how to enjoy money responsibly without being afraid." My friends, that is what I do day in and day out. We are working through this together. This was six months ago that she said this, and if you asked her today how she's feeling, she would tell you that money feels easy. That's what we do here. Now, I do need to be very specific here and say that you need to include boundaries that are right for you Share this with someone who is trustworthy and able to handle this information responsibly, and do not use your money story to shame your parents. Don't use it to blame your spouse. Don't use it to frighten your children. Just tell the truth, but tell it for the purpose of connection and growth. As you work through your money story Things might be hard. It's okay. It's normal. But if you uncover something and you're like, "Someone else could hear this and feel a lot less alone, I have to share this," I would like to let you know that I'm inviting a few listeners to join me for a money story hour, and possibly share that part of the conversation here on the podcast. This would not be about judgment or publicly dissecting everything. We're just looking at experiences, beliefs, habits, and patterns that shape the way that you handle money, and talk about what you want to carry forward and what you're ready to change. Hopefully, other people who are listening will benefit from that conversation. If you would be willing to explore your money story with me and potentially share it with other legacy builders, go ahead and reach out to me. My email is laura@accelerateyourlegacy.com. I'll get you scheduled for a time for the two of us to have a conversation about the money story that you've uncovered. It doesn't have to go on the internet. It doesn't have to go on this podcast. But I would really love it if we could go through your story And if we discover, hey, somebody could really be helped by this discovery, well, then we can go ahead and clip it and put it on the podcast, with your permission, of course. And so when we are honest, when we are honest with ourselves about how we grew up and we're honest with our spouses about how we grew up, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be blessed by doing a little bit of spelunking, discovering your money story, and then sharing it with someone who is a good, safe person to share it with. That's it for this week, legacy builders. Go out and make a difference