180. Why Does Budgeting Make Me Feel So Trapped? Is There a Better Way?

Does the word budget make your shoulders tighten? You’re not irresponsible—you’re reacting to shame from past attempts and the fear that a plan means you’ll lose your freedom. In this episode, Laura reframes budgeting as permission, not punishment, and shows you how a values-based spending plan actually creates relief.

You’ll hear why so many people “fail” at budgeting (hint: most were taught to track after the fact instead of decide ahead of time), how boundaries become strategic YESes, and why a real budget eliminates the constant background anxiety of “If I say yes here, will it cost us later?” From buying clothes that fit, to saying yes to Chick-fil-A without guilt, to being generous without fear—this episode is about building a plan that lets you live well today while protecting tomorrow.

Laura walks you through a simple starter framework so you can begin without overwhelm:

• How to protect the basics first so you budget from safety, not panic
• How to choose 1–2 priorities for your current season
• Why giving every dollar a job before it’s spent brings instant peace
• How to adjust without shame and use “failure” as feedback

If budgeting has always felt restrictive, this episode will change how you see it. You’ll leave believing what’s true: budgeting isn’t restrictive—it’s relieving. And you’re allowed to feel good about your money again.

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Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants-27: 0:00

Some people hear the word budget and their body has a reaction. It's not because they're responsible. It's shame and it's fear, and sometimes it's a need for control. Fear that budgeting means you're not gonna get what you want. And honestly, look, I get it. Growing up is hard. Budgeting isn't restrictive, it's relieving. Today I want to take budgeting out of the dirty word category because I don't think a budget is a no. I think it's permission, and I'm going to give you a simple starter framework so that you can begin today without overwhelm. Hey guys. I'm Laura Sexton, your Money and Legacy coach, and here on the Money and Legacy Podcast we talk about how to ditch debt, build wealth, and leave a legacy you love without having to give up what you want most. Today we're gonna talk about why budgeting triggers shame and avoidance. For a lot of people, budgeting is going to bring up these negative emotions. A lot of people are gonna think, look, I've tried it before and I failed at it. So we avoid it. It's a flight response. Oftentimes, it's really because we are doing the budget wrong. We were tracking our expenses, and so we go, no, I did it. It didn't work. I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, but is what you're doing what you want to be doing? Because for a lot of us, we just do it because. Change is hard. Change is uncomfortable, and I'd rather just do what I'm doing than do something different and get ahead seems crazy, but that's the way our animal brain works. And then there's this other fear. If I make a budget, then I don't get to do what I want. A lot of people will come to me and they're like, well, I just have to give up my Starbucks. Guys, this is about more than Starbucks. This is about more than going out to eat whenever you feel like this is about having a comfortable future. But I want you to still enjoy today. I'm not trying to take everything away from you. I'm not saying, Hey, you can never go to another baseball game, or this fire movement. I don't know if you guys know about the fire movement, but the fire movement is like hardcore bro, restrictive. I'm gonna live on nothing. I mean worse than Dave Ramsey. I'm gonna live on nothing. I'm gonna save everything so I can retire when I'm 30. Why? What good does that do for you? By the time you're 30, you're gonna retire and then you're gonna do what? Nothing. We were made to work. We were made to be creative and productive and do things with our hands and with our minds. And the second we stop using our muscle, our mind. It begins to deteriorate. Now, I know you don't want your brain to deteriorate, and I don't want your brain to deteriorate, so why don't we keep our brains working longer, do some hard work. Now that sets us up for the future. Now, the fire movement's not all wrong. I love the idea of let's be intentional. Let's do it when we're young, especially if you end up being dual income no kids, which I don't know how many people that are listening to this right now are. There are a lot of people I know that they're single. They're working hard, they're getting themselves in a place where they can start. Saving for retirement. I know a lot of people that are married, they have kids and they're like, I'm so in the weeds. I can't really figure things out. Both of these camps need a budget. Both of you need to set your priorities because I promise you, you can drift through life. But drifting doesn't get you where you wanna go. This is not a lazy river. It doesn't always end at the nice little stairwell. And to be honest, if you're on a lazy river, you have to paddle over to the stairway to get out anyway. It never lands you at the stairs. You have to do some work guys, and I want you to have the easiest amount of work possible. A budget is not punishment, it is clarity. Boundaries, which we talked about last week. So go back and check out that podcast. Boundaries aren't about saying no to what you want. They're about saying yes to something. You want more. Looking at this in a real life situation, moms should not feel guilty for getting themselves clothes that fit. This coming from a woman that had to take myself out to go shopping. Thankfully my friend was still living in town at the time, and we went out, we went shopping and I had the hardest time, the hardest time, but I have had five children. I'm no longer a double zero, which I was in college and I will never get back there again. And I'm not trying to get back there. So don't think that I'm a psychopath, but like I had to buy clothes that had double digits. And it's the first time that happened and I, the only double I used to have was a double zero. Buying clothes that fit make you feel really good. You feel better about yourself when your clothes fit and you're not trying to squeeze into them, and you shouldn't feel guilty about buying things that fit you. Just like you don't feel guilty about making sure that your kids have clothes that fit them right. You are more than happy to buy all of the clothes for your children. So what we have to do as moms when we're making our budget, is we need to make a mom's clothes category, not just a general clothes category. One for you, because I don't want you to feel guilty about having to purchase things that actually fit you. You should also be able to buy normal everyday things without the stress hangover. When I asked my husband what he wanted life to look like, what he wanted his money to look like when he retires in a couple years, he said, I just wanna still be able to go to Target and spend money and not have to worry about it. I think that's the dream. I mean, maybe not target. That's the dream. I just wanna be able to go get what I need and not have to stress out about it. Check done. We can live with our retirement money and do that. Got it. And you should be able to be generous without feeling scared that you won't have food on the table. Generosity is a huge piece of my life, and it should be for you too. There are plenty of scriptural reasons why being generous is really important, but also it feels really good to be generous. It feels really good to tip outrageously. It feels really good to jump on a meal, train for somebody and bring them food, or get them gift cards or buy diapers for them. Those things feel really good. And you should be able to be generous and not have to think, you know, well, if I give this to them, am I gonna have enough money to, to pay my water bill this week? That fear a budget's gonna eliminate that fear. Because you make all the decisions ahead of time. You know, Hey, I need to have$130 for the water bill. So that means if I have$150 in my account, you know, you're, you're sitting there going, I have, you know, 130 for this, and then, I'm gonna have to buy food. We're not looking at the account, we're looking at the budget. If we look at the budget and we say, okay, it says there's 134, the water bill, and it says, I have$20 left in my giving category, I guess I can give$20. I can buy a pack of Pampers. There's no questioning. There's no fear. There's no worry because we've already decided ahead of time before the money even hit the bank account. We knew what we could and couldn't spend by what time. As moms we're hounded with decision fatigue and we have a very hard time making a decision in the heat of the moment. And if you have kids, you know what I'm talking about, especially when it's been a very long day and you're driving home and they're like, can we go to Chick-fil-A? And you're like, what am I gonna cook when I get home? I don't even know what we have in the fridge or the freezer, and I don't. And you're starting to run through all of the ideas. Oh, if you have a meal plan. You know, Hey, no, actually we're gonna have this, I already have it in the crockpot or I have some things already prepped. So we're gonna get home. It's gonna be 20 minutes. You're gonna get something to eat, you don't need it. Or, Hey, I got Dino Nuggies instead. We're not gonna have a Chick-fil-A because I know that that's what we're gonna have. Dino nuggets and macaroni and cheese. You're welcome. That's one way to cover it. The other way is, guys, we've already spent our going out to eat budget this month. We're gonna have to do Chick-fil-A another time. You guys asked me why I always pick Chick-fil-A as my option, and that's because between school and my house is a Chick-fil-A, and so every day on the way home from school, can we go to Chick-fil-A every single day? Every single day. No, I love Chick-fil-A. I love the chicken nuggets, but. We have a going out to eat budget and this year in 2026, we have a certain number of times we're allowed to go out and eat every month. And I'm not going to let a random Chick-fil-A, I'm feeling tired day derail the plan that we've already created, especially if not everybody's with us and we go to Chick-fil-A and then some of the family doesn't get to go out to eat for one of those special days. We don't want that to be the case. So what budgeting is actually going to get you? It's gonna get you permission and it's gonna get you relief I'm giving you permission to spend on everyday life without guilt. I'm giving you relief because you're not having to guess or second guess or triple guess what you think you may have already decided. It's just there. This gives you freedom because. You've already decided and peace because your needs are protected first, huge. And then you're able to be generous in a way that doesn't break you and that adds to the joy of generosity. A budget. It's not gonna tell you what you can't do, it just shows you what you can do safely, because who's in charge of the budget? Is the budget in charge of you, or are you in charge of the budget? The budget tells you what you can and can't do after you have told it what to tell you, what you can and can't do. This is your framework. This is your guardrails that you are putting in place to take care of you. So what I'm planning to do today is to give you a starter frame framework, a doorway if you will, something to help keep this simple to get started. So if you've never made a budget before, or if your budget's not working for you. Let's just protect the basics. Let's, you know, set our priorities. Let's give every dollar a job. That's what we're gonna do right now in this podcast. So step one, protect the basics first before anything else. Food. That's groceries, that's not going out to eat food, housing, utilities, transportation. These are your four walls. These are what keeps a roof over your head. These are the most important, important, important things, and they always, always, always come first. I need you to have your food covered after you have bought groceries and you are sustained and your stomach is full. I need you to have the lights, water, and electricity taken care of. Now you say, Laura, shouldn't I have the mortgage or the rent paid? No, that's a longer process. Utilities get cut off faster than you can get evicted from your or foreclosed on food and lights and water, then housing, then transportation. That's the order that we go in. We don't budget based on panic. We budget based on safety. I've told the story before, but I used to do my budget incorrectly and I would pay my credit cards first and I would get to the end of my money and go, well, I guess I don't have anything to eat. I guess I'm just gonna eat ramen. Our credit cards come dead last. I don't care if your credit gets shot. I really don't. Your credit score is not indicative of how well you're doing with money. It is only there for you to go further into debt, and right now in this season, you shouldn't be going further into debt because we're making a plan so that you can pay cash for everything moving forward. Now if you're like, Laura, I really worry about my credit score. I need it to be taken care of. Great. There are ways that we can talk to the credit card company to let them know and to keep them from dinging your credit. We have to be proactive, but it is something we can do. If you were in that place where you're deciding between food and credit card payments, I need you to reach out to me. Let's have a call. Okay, Step two is to pick one to two priorities for the season. And we talked about this last week. You have to pick a priority. You cannot be doing 12 different things. You have to pick one to three things max for this season. I suggest when it comes to our money picking one or two, any more than that, and you will be out of integrity and out of alignment. Your budget will not be based on your values, it will be based on treading water. Define what matters most, not what matters most right now, what matters most in the long run, that's gonna be what we want to focus towards. However, that's, that's our, that's our end goal. That's our sightline. Now that we know what our sight line is, what is the next right thing for today? Or for this month, or for this short period, or what is our next short term goal? An example. I need new clothes for my new job. Okay. I would really like some margin in my life, so I need some buffer. Great. I would like to be more generous. This is huge. Yes. I love that. For you, only if you were making sure that your household is taken care of first. I wanna pay off my debt. Yes. Let's do it. Please. I wanna save a thousand dollars. Start an emergency fund. This is great. So whatever your season is, that's gonna be what we focus on. That's gonna be what we want to obtain, and we want to obtain it quickly. Your budget should reflect your season, not someone else's rules. Now you're asking me why did I have to pick the long off one first and then the closer one because of our long off goal. Is to retire with dignity with a house that's fully paid off and with an emergency fund, so I'm not having to steal money for myself all the time. So we've set our far off goal. We've made sure that our short-term goal is facing in that direction and moving us ever towards that. That's how we stay in alignment and in integrity with ourselves. Step three, give every dollar a job before it's spent. This is where relief is gonna show up for you, okay? You need to give your money a job because if it comes in, it will float out. If it has not already been spent on paper, on purpose, it will drift away. You know what it's like to get a couple days in and be like, wait, I thought I had more money. What did I do? And I sit there and think, oh, well I did pick that up from my friend. And, I did that target run and I did go out to eat that lunch. I didn't think it was that much, but I guess it was, you are going to find so much relief when you spend your money on paper before it shows up. This is one of those things where people think that I'm crazy, but then I show it to them in real time and I promise you I'm not crazy. I promise you. This will add levity to your finances. Step four, track lightly and adjust without shame. This is kind of a big deal. A budget is a living document. This is not set in stone. It is a living document. However, if you get paid every two weeks, your budget for that two weeks should stay solid. I don't want you moving money around. I don't want you making adjustments. You shouldn't be going in and adjusting everything every night to make it fit what you already spent. Have you spent something that made you go over a budget category? If you are over that budget category, you do need to find that from somewhere, but this should not be a daily every night occurrence. You are only hurting yourself that way. Do not do that. I need you to also remember that as you are creating this, the first couple of months, you're gonna do a terrible job. You are going to not hit realistic numbers the first couple of times you make a budget. Because when we start doing this, we are in an idealized version and we're thinking we're gonna do all of these ideal things and we're only going to do the best and the best and the best, and we're going to fail. We are. But I need you to look at that failure as feedback. Where did we adjust this? A lot of times people will go, oh, I only need$500 for groceries, and they normally spend 800, but they think they only spend 500. Happens all the time. You tell me$500, I'm going to add three, three to$500 to that budget for what you eat because it's an unrealistic number. So I want you to remember, if this doesn't work for you this week, you are not a failure. You learned something, your budget just didn't line up with what reality was. Or you need to get better about holding yourself accountable. And if you can't hold yourself accountable, feel free to reach out to me and let me hold you accountable. Let me be the bad guy so you're not beating yourself up. Okay? You can be mad at me for setting a goal and you're like, oh, Laura said it and it, I just wasn't able to achieve it this time. Then you're not beating yourself up. That's what I want for you. The goal is not perfection. The goal is peace. That is what we are after. So to bring it all home without a budget, you have to make 300 little decisions all day, every day. With a budget. You make fewer clear decisions one time, and then you live your life for the month. There's so much peace in that. That is why I say the budgeting is not restrictive. It is relieving. And if the word budget upsets you, let's call it a spending plan. Let's call it a plan to spend our money. The way that we do a budget is a values-based spending plan, a plan to spend our money based on what you value. Relief is what happens when you stop guessing and start leading your money. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, I wanna do this, but I need a little structure. Got you. If you want a clear DIY framework that you can walk through on your own, you can grab my Better Budget bundle now. My better Budget bundle. It is a bunch of templates. Different ways that you can do a budget based on how you learn. And if you're like, ah, templates sound like they're good, but it's not enough. I also have my Better Budget Bootcamp. The Better Budget Bootcamp is five days, 15 minutes a day for five days,$27. That's it. That's all I'm asking from you.$27 in five days, 15 minutes, five days, you will have a budget. You'll have a values-based spending plan that fits you, your lifestyle, your family style, and what you value most. Budgeting is not restrictive. It is relieving. If you do it right, you are allowed to feel good about your money, and I would love to help you get there. So my friends, go out, make your first spending plan. Let me know how it goes. I will talk to you soon. Accelerators go out and make a difference.